A Soul on Fire

"... every great artist is a man who has freed himself from his family, his nation, his race. Every man who has shown the world the way to beauty, to true culture, has been a rebel, a "universal" without patriotism, without home, who has found his people everywhere." ~ As quoted in Chaim Potok's "My Name is Asher Lev"

Sometime my soul quivers at the thought of the life I am choosing for myself. To be an artist... to devote every ounce of talent, energy, drive, and passion that you have to the fickle and cruel Muses... that is a hard thing. Who says I am enough? Who says that the song in my heart is worthy to be shared? Who ever says anything is enough?

The quote above struck a chord in my heart, because I am not a rebel. I can be rebellious, I can be "set-apart" and alone, but ultimately, I am not a rebel, because I have chosen allegiance to my heavenly King. And I must always be on guard to keep myself from being pulled away from Him.

But while I languish in not knowing the answers to those questions, I rest in the security that I must sing, that I must develop the talent God has chosen to give me. Oh God, help me, for I have chosen the impossible - to give myself first and foremost to You, and second to Art.

'Tis the Season, Apparently!

Well, I promise I didn't start this blog to be my whining space online, but it *is* about my life and sometimes negative things happen in sequence... ok, lame excuse for another sad post. But anyway...

Yesterday afternoon I received a letter that I had not been selected for a scholarship I honestly thought I had a great chance of getting. The scholarship was "above and beyond," including not only tuition, room, and board, but also overseas experiences and mentorships with many fascinating people. My older sister had applied (and made it to the semi-final rounds) four years ago, and I have been hoping for it ever since. Not to be, apparently.

I can laugh now, thinking about what a traumatic week this has been. I always tell my friends that I don't understand why my life is so perfect: it definitely didn't feel perfect for the past four days. LOL - I am definitely capitalizing on this brief "suffering" experience.

But the reason I posted this is because of a happy thing that's come from all this negative angst in my spirit.

Love, sweet love.

My family has been just incredible through this. Let's see what all they've done... on Wednesday when I found out about the first dream-not-come-true, they cleaned my room and did my laundry. On Thursday, they made me popcorn and did all the housework. On Friday, they let me pick the movie and made *more* popcorn. On Saturday, my dad took me to a Met opera stream at AMC. Then last night, my sister made me the most incredible card/poem/wall hanging thingamabopper. I am so blessed by them - in all times, but especially in the hard ones.

My church family has been amazing as well - everyone at church was so concerned about me this morning, and made sure to shower extra love on me. How awesome :)

And last but for sure not least, my network of friends from the homeschool world and my CGCC world are *so* supportive. My fb has been showered with encouraging messages, posts, and chats.

I am one blessed little girl, that's for sure. Even though sometimes dreams fall from the skies above, I have been provided with what matters most - a Savior who loves me, and people who love me. In this safety net, I can never truly be shaken.

Just a small halo, please!

Can't you just picture Jesus in heaven getting ready to come down to earth? "Please God, I'd like to have a small halo for while I'm down there... just so everyone is absolutely sure of Who I am."

No. Of course not. Jesus came in a manger, so devoid of any heavenly glory, most people mistook Him for just an ordinary baby.

Let this mind be in me, Lord!

I get worried pretty easily that people don't realize how amazing I am - if I'm having an off-day singing, I make sure I let everyone know that I'm really better than that; I explain I'm sick, or tired, or something... just so everyone is absolutely sure of what I can do.

I'm learning some lessons in pride these days, and it is such a Christmasy lesson to learn! For Christ demonstrated the noblest of humility when He came - giving His life not only at the end on the cross, but every day of His earthly life, as He walked about in the dirt and dust of common, human life.

I'm going to try to stock up on some of that kind of Christmas spirit!

A Falling Star

It's only when we learn to dance upon the ground,
That we can ever hope to fly among the stars.

So sweet one, though ripe and wild do dreams abound,
Know that what is most precious is already in your heart.

For the High King above, by whose power the sunsets were made,
Upon your heart the holiest blessing has lovingly laid.

For what fiery orb in the heavens above,
Could ever compare to the wonders of Christ-love?

So today, one of my long-cherished dreams ... didn't come true.

I'm being dramatic, but it really did hurt quite a bit. It's doubly hard, because the dream did come true for several of my dear friends, and I am getting a needed lesson in humility. I went for a walk with God today (I talk to Him best when I'm out in nature), and He reminded me that His love determines my worth and my joy, not what I do hear on this earth. I trust Him with my heart and with my dreams. I really do. And now is my chance to show that trust.

I have a couple goals for next semester, based (some of them) on this un-blossomed dream:

1) Enjoy myself even when not the center of attention - ok, that sounds terrible. But honestly, I think I did enjoy last semester so much because I was always in the limelight. I won't be (at all) this semester, and that will be sooo good for me.

2) Encourage others, and don't be jealous of them! I shouldn't let my own disappointments hinder my encouragement of my friends.

3) Base my sense of identity on Christ's sacrifice for me, not on my voice - too often, I get my confidence from the fact that I can sing. That is not a lasting or an appropriate measure of worth.

Welcome :)

Welcome to my cozy corner, friends.

This is a place for me to relate about my happenings, for I know life will only send me more friends that don't walk by my side day-to-day. So through this blog, I hope to share my moments with more of my dear, loved ones. This is also a place for me to post the bits of poetry and prose I write, because I love to share my creative musings with the world. Finally, this is a place to share what I'm learning about God, because in my book, He's the most important of all.

I hope you enjoy what you read here :) Please feel free to comment!