Sunshine in My Soul!

Jude 24-25:

Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.

I'm writing a paper right now on death and how that affects human relationship, specifically within a worldview that doesn't really believe in a meaningful existence after death. So, I've been thinking... and it makes me so happy that Jesus is a God of eternity - lots of things in this life we have only for fleeting, precious moments, but then they are gone for good. Isn't it wonderful that the one Person who will bring ultimate joy and deepest fulfillment is a forever kind of God? I'm thrilled to able to abandon myself to His love without ever having to doubt that it will grow cool or that He will ever forsake me.

And that knowledge is the best kind of illumination for my heart of hearts!

About Confession

I love being a Christian. Theological reasons aside, I so enjoy the Christian life - worship music, getting dressed up on Sundays, fellowship within the body, our beautiful traditions, corporate prayer, and mutual confession.

As an Evangelical, I don't participate in formal confessions as in the Catholic churches, but an integral part of every Christian's life is the discipline of confessing our sins to one another. Last night at small group, we broke into guys and gals and confessed to each other some besetting sins that we consistently struggle with, and then as a group, talked about how the truth of the gospel informed each of those situations.

It can be so hard to share, because we all know that the rest of the group is made up of people with problems - it's hard to face potential judgement or criticism or holier-than-thou attitudes. But when God is moving, the encouragement is so, so worth it. Praying for each other, and helping each other through the difficulties - it so helps me to walk in victory and to celebrate the power of God over Satan.

So yeah, being a Christian is pretty dog-gone awesome. :D

Wrapping My Troubles in Dreams

I keep losing my Anne-ness, these days. I get lost in a cloud of discontentment, wishing for a million different things I don't have. I want to live on campus, for instance. And I wish I had more friends here at school. I'm upset I don't have a good belt or a good mix. I don't like the weight I'm at right now... the list goes on and on.

I feel so embarrassed writing all those silly things down, and even more embarrassed to tell you that those silly worries have consumed me for the past couple of weeks. My eyes have been turned so inward that I've missed the beautiful things going on around me.

I've missed things like intentionally enjoying my beautiful family. I've neglected building up the incredible friendships I do have at church and other places. I've forgotten to thank God for the fact that I can sing at all!

I'm struggling with life as an adult... I know I'm being melodramatic, and that I'm probably still more child than adult, but I can't wrap my head around the notion that my childhood is slipping past me forever, and that I can't change any of what's already happened. I feel so locked in to the next 4 years here in my town, at ASU. When I tell my grandchildren stories about my college years, it's all going to have happened right here where I'm walking every day.

It's strange to have dreamed about something, whether that be adulthood, or being a college kid, or whatever, for so long, and then all of a sudden - it has come true! I'm really here. And sometimes I wish I was back in my dreamworld, where the imagined situations could change with my every whim.

It's kind of funny, but I never like to make a post like this until I've already decided on a course of action. I hate indecision!

So here's my plan:

1. Dig deep into God, into the joys of the gospel. I need some eternal perspective on my life! God's story, spanning thousands of years and millions of hearts, is full of joy and victory and deeper meaning. This is definitely something I want to live in, to drown in.

2. Keep dreaming! I'm not going to fantasize about how happy I would be, if only this or that happened, but I'm going to choose to walk through life with a dreamy glow around the edges. The ordinary stairs I claim every morning to the practice rooms on the 5th floor turn into graceful steps ascending into the heavens, bringing me closer to the beauty and creativity I know are waiting for me inside those little cubicles. See? It's all better already.

I'll keep you updated! :)

Hello, October!

Usually I don't pay much attention to the month of October. I mean, September has my birthday and the beginning of school, and November heralds in the holiday season and cooler weather. October has to be endured... one more month of 100 degree heat before the welcome winter comes.

But this year... I don't know. I mean to make much of my October. You see, I want to start living more intentionally. Be bold in my friendships, but in a Christ-centered boldness, not out of a desperate need for human affirmation. I want to take risks in my performing - to sing and act and dance and never be afraid. So this October, as I have my first ASU choir concerts, begin rehearsals for Secret Garden, and settle into small groups at school and church, my aim is to offer each moment to God's service.

I'm excited to see what this month holds!

A Slap Upside the Head? Yes, please.

Thursday was my coaching with Tregony - which you all heard about. Then Friday came, and it was kind of a rough day. I was so filled with doubts about who I was as a singer, about if I could really achieve all these grand dreams, etc etc. Saturday morning was rough too, especially since my wonderful voice teacher Anne gave me a kind of scolding lecture to ward off potential misconduct. it was weird :P

I told God Friday night that I was trusting Him with my future, and if I wasn't supposed to be doing music, He really oughta let me know!

Saturday evening, I was so stressed out and just "off" trying to get ready to go for the concert, but somehow I pulled myself together in time. And... I don't know... but somehow God was really there for me all night. Waiting in the wings to go on, I practiced my enjoying the moment philosophy, and just invited God to come be my audience.

And it was such a good performance! Probably the best I've ever sung the piece. Marc Denton, who is head of the vocal department at cc#1, said some very complimentary things about what I did, and it was so encouraging.

You know, I may not be the next Broadway diva right now - I still have a lot of vocal problems and acting difficulties I need to work through. But I'm not terrible either. I think... I think I just need to cut out the melodrama, trust God that I'm in the right place for the moment, and keep plugging ahead.

So the next time I regale you with a tale of woe, slap me upside the head and tell me to go practice or something.

Reflections on Holy Week

It has been a good Lenten season this year - I've been reading through a devotional book about the Liturgical year, and it has brought such a new depth to my understanding of Christ's Passion, and of my own spiritual condition.

On Good Friday, I attended a Stations of the Cross service at my friend's Catholic church, and I so enjoyed it. Lots of time for just sitting and contemplating the cross, backed by beautiful live music.

And now, it is Holy Saturday, and I am quiet. Good Friday was intensely fiery in my heart - lots of deep emotions. But today, a silence is reigning. I am waiting, trusting; practicing not-knowing and yet-believing.

The cross is a deeply wild, incredibly violent demonstration of the fullest love I could ever imagine. Thursday and Friday were heavy days, as I thought about the depth of the pain Jesus experienced for me. Emotional abandonment, physical anguish, mental strain - all at a level I can't begin to fathom. I'm glad I took the time to ponder the cross. Jesus' blood, His intercession on my behalf, the propitiation He became for me... these things show me so much about God and His love for me. I am so joyful to rest in His arms, basking in love.

And today, there is still sorrow in that love. It is a hard love, sometimes. A violent love, a love that seems unfair.

But tomorrow is Easter.

The the resurrection will right every wrong.

Lace curtains

"How different are we who have grown used to [sunsets], who have become jaded with a satiety of wonder." ~ Thomas Carlyle

Wonder is the lace curtains of life. Wonder is the way a child smiles when the sun hits her face. Wonder is what keeps us going when life gets mundane.

I see it in the sky - huge, graceful hippopotamuses of clouds romping about miles above me.

I see it in the way my dad loves my mom - steadfast, unswerving, spontaneous.

I see it in a good picture - maybe with fuzzy edges and a pretty landscape.

I see it in a chord in a song in choir - when all eight parts resonate in a glorious dissonance that becomes consonant.

But mostly, I see it when I peer inside my heart and realize that I've been made new... that something (or really, Someone) is living inside of me and is changing me. Behold! I am a new creation. The old has passed away, and lo, the new has come.

Another Opening of Another Show!

"I thank you God for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes." ~ ee cummings

I'm thanking God today for legs that can dance and jump, for a voice that can sing and shout, for eyes that can see and perceive, and for a heart that can love and enjoy. I'm thanking Him for bright lights in my face, for a mic by my mouth, for a costume on my body, and for fake curls in my hair.

"I imagine that yes is the only living thing." ~ ee cummings

Singing. Dancing. Acting.

Yes.

I feel alive - so alive, so happy. (so tired)

And I get to do it all again tonight.

Redeemed: what if?

"Eric, you are the proud possessor of many gifts. It is your sacred duty to put them to good use. Don't compromise. Compromise is the language of the devil. Run in God's name, and let the world stand back in wonder." ~ Chariots of Fire

This is my heart's cry, not for myself, but for the Christian artist everywhere. I have a vision I like to call "redeemed" ... a vision of a music world and a theater scene brought into submission to God's principles, and thus liberated to touch humanity in the deepest and most lasting ways possible.

A vibrant community of talented artists, hot in the pursuit of excellence, skilled and gifted - and with Truth to share. Their message is not always pretty, not always clean and tidy, but it is accurate, desperate to accurately represent the deeper spiritual principles that underly the sensuality and physicality of the tangible world around us.

And when we rise up together, carrying the banner of true freedom, true passion, and true ecstasy, what else can the world do, but fall back in wonder?

Chief Difference!

I have been thinking about this for a long while, and I think I have found the answer.

Mormonism and Classical Christianity share many similar tenets... so what sets us apart beyond relatively trifling matters such as eternal marriage, baptisms for the dead, etc? I believe that it can be found in this quote:

God himself was once as we are now, and is an exalted man, and sits enthroned in yonder heavens! . . . I am going to tell you how God came to be God. We have imagined and supposed that God was God from all eternity. I will refute that idea, and take away the veil, so that you may see. . . . He was once a man like us; yea that God himself, the Father dwelt on an earth, the same as Jesus Christ himself did. (Joseph Smith, Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith)

Aha! So, LDS doctrine states that God did not exist from the beginning of eternity. I believe that God has existed from all time in the same form He exists in now.

Well that clears that up :)

Poetry

It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late.

"Can't you see, my child? On Me must you trust and wait."

He gives His beloved sleep.

"Rest in my love, so sweet and deep."

Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy,

"My work in you no man can destroy."

My mouth is filled with laughter, and my tongue with singing.

My fear chased away by the strength He is bringing.

written 1.16.10, based on psalms 126 & 127

How to kill a dragon

I guess I've always felt like if I pursue God, if I am a "good Christian," if I try my hardest to be set-apart and poured-out for Christ, I will experience some positive returns in my Christian walk.

Like killing dragons.

I mean, it's only fair, right? If I seek, if I strive, if I push towards a closer relationship with Jesus, I should experience victory over whichever sin I'm particularly annoyed with, or I should have blessings in my life, or I should be seeing my friends come to a saving knowledge of Christ, etc, etc.

But my dragons don't die.

So where does that leave me? What am I left with when - despite my persistent prayer life, despite the time I spend in the Word, despite the hours I spend in worship - my sins and problems don't vanish away?

Sunday at Praxis, I was reminded.

I am left with the cross.

I cannot judge my Savior's love on what He may or may not do in the future. He has already sealed me, shown me the deepest, most beautiful love He possibly could. I am broken inside. I have a very real evil in my heart. And yet, despite my ugliness and my rebellion, Chris has reconciled me with God through His sacrificial blood.

Praise Jesus!

But what about my dragons? Aren't we promised that we will become slayers of dragons?

I think to a certain extent, yes. 1 John talks at length about the fact that if someone "sins" (aka, is living in continual, unrepentant sin), he does not know God. When we accept Christ as our Lord and Savior, His power will immediately start transforming our hearts. As far as dragons go, however, there are two things I've recently found out:

1) The dragon I want to kill right now might not be the dragon God is working on. I struggle with many sins, and while I might be especially ready to get rid of sin A, God's timing might be to work on sin B first. Am I ok with that? I better be.

2) Sometimes dragons are really thorns. My best friend E was telling me that there is a difference between a dragon that needs to be slain, and a thorn that needs to be endured. Paul begged God, much as I have been doing, for relief from a particular suffering. But God chose, in His wisdom and knowledge, to leave that thorn right where it was. And personally, if I didn't have dragons or thorns to remind me how helpless and broken I am, I probably wouldn't come running to the cross looking to Jesus for help and mercy and grace.

As we grow closer to Jesus, we have to remember that God is not a vending machine. If I put in x hours of prayer and Bible study, I do not deserve in any way to get a Victory over Sin soda in return. We have a vibrant, real, and changing relationship with Christ, and the direction it will take is different for each individual Christian. I cannot compare my walk to anyone else's, nor can I demand that God will deliver me in the same way He delivered someone else.

But what can I do?

I can rest in His arms, under the shadow of the cross, knowing that above all else, He loves me.

And that's all I could ever want, anyway.

Happy Valentine's Day!

It's Valentine's Day! How happy :) I don't have a significant other, but God chose this day to reveal His love and redeeming power to me in brand new ways, so I am feeling exceptionally cherished today despite my lack of a man. Plus, my darling parents got me scrumptious chocolate, so I've been cheating on my healthy food diet and eating little heart candies while finishing up some homework.

But! Even happier news! Last week I brought up three of my grades from Bs to As, *and* I hardly have any homework this weekend. So I've been relaxing, chilling with family and friends, getting on facebook (guilty look...), and watching Olympics. It's been good.

Did I mention yet how completely in love with Jesus I am? It's been really special this past week. :)

And, I've fallen in love with something else, too - Praxis Church! It was my fourth time going this week, and it just keeps getting better and better. It has challenging, Biblically sound teaching, incredible music with passionate and intelligent lyrics, friendly and energetic people, kind pastors, and a deep-rooted intentionality that marks every decision the church makes. I just love it there, and am looking forward to getting more involved.

And, mark your calendars - Pirates of Penzance is running the first weekend of March and it will be absolutely hilarious! Do come!

Audition: Check

Well, it's over. I've auditioned.

And it feels so good!! I just got back from a trip with my little brother to indulge in one of the most-forbidden foods for singers - ice cream! What a nice reward for all my hard work.

The audition itself was only 10 minutes long, though I was at the school for around 4 hours this afternoon. Lots of anxious waiting! It was a day full of God-moments, from praying in the car with my dad before we stepped foot onto the campus, to finding out my collaborative pianist is a Christian, to the encouraging texts my friends kept sending me.

Right before I entered the audition room, I remembered a quote my dear friend JG had sent me a few weeks ago - "Enjoy this moment: this moment is your life." I breathed in for a moment, relishing my nerves and the excitement and the thrill of it all. Then, I breathed out and walked into the recital hall, where I sang my little heart out for a few minutes.

The sightsinging test did not go so smashingly, but the rhythm test did go quite well.

I feel peaceful, fulfilled, and content. Even if nothing comes of it all, what a wonderful experience. What a wonderful moment. I plan on savoring it for the rest of my life.

The audition this weekend has cast into sharp relief all sorts of ideas about who I am, who God is, and what my purpose is on this earth. Call me dramatic, or what you will, but I take big moments very seriously :)

I mean, if I don't get into ASU as a music major, then what happens to the past 3 years of my life? Did I waste those thousands of dollars, hours of practice time, forsaken foods, missed parties, and on and on the list goes? Big dreams are beautiful when accomplished, but I, in a way, have gambled my highschool years on the possibility of getting accepted to a reputable music program.

Then today in choir, we were singing a song called Pasture, and the music touched my heart in a way it hasn't been touched for a long time. It felt like God literally reached down and held my heart in His hand, relieving my fears and just wrapping me in His love. Music brings me close to God in a way nothing else can.

And so it hit me.

If this was the last week I was ever able to sing, it was worth it.

If the last note I sang was the last note I'll ever utter, it was worth it.

Because when I sang, I felt His pleasure.

I audition for ASU in 8 days. Oh. My. Goodness.

I met today with the collaborative pianist who will be playing for me, and it was so reassuring. I realized I actually do know my pieces, I can sing them on pitch, and I am entirely and completely ready to go. I've been working on my two songs - and only these two songs - for the past three months (and I'm not even kidding), and I am so excited to finally get to show my stuff to the audition panel.

But on the other hand, I'm so extremely nervous that I will sing terribly, not get accepted, and will never be a singer after all. This is a huge lesson in trusting God, and I don't think I'm getting a very good grade! My whole family will be relieved when the audition is over - we're all on edge here in my house, and my brother's cold hasn't helped anything. (What will I DO if I get sick??? Why did he have to pick this week to get sick??) I'm officially quarantined from him, actually - my mom won't let us go near each other.

I'm working on some lieder to sing for Bill Reber and Eckart Sellheim (who are both involved with the Germany program), and it's so much fun! I love Schubert, and I love how German feels in my mouth - it's a very forward language, and it does good things for my vocal chords. I had to call them both today, and it was so intimidating! I'm such a greenhorn, and they are both such excellent professionals. But they seem so nice, and they really do just want to help students improve.

In my non-music thoughts... I am so ready for church on Sunday. This week at school was tough, and I am failing in a few areas I really wanted to excel in. I need some serious, focused Jesus time this weekend to get me back on track.

One week down!

I survived my first week of classes! And what a beautiful week it was - we've been having incredible weather here in the Valley, with absolutely torrential rains, tornado watches morphing into tornado warnings, huge puddles to splash in on the way to class, and gorgeously overcast skies to marvel at while driving from college to college.

I'm really liking my classes this semester - I'm taking Music Theory at community college #1, and my teacher in that class is my Sunday School teacher from church, who I've known for 13 years now. Then my German teacher at community college #2 is really hilarious, and strict in that good way that makes you work but gives you awesome results. Of course, jazz choir, regular choir, and the production of Pirates of Penzance I'm in at community college #1 are all going smashingly, especially because I have a wonderful group of friends there and it's basically like a third family, after my church family and biological family. Tuesdays and Thursdays are really tough for me, though, because I literally have 10 straight hours of classes, with my biggest break being when I'm driving from cc #1 to cc #2.

I have maddeningly fallen back into some patterns I had resolved over the break to rid myself of, and that's just frustrating. I'm working on self-discipline, both in my actions and thoughts, and it's so hard to be constantly on guard, especially when I come back home from school and don't want to be careful about anything. I bought a fantastic worship CD by Travis Cottrell called "Alive Forever," and having that playing in my car all the time is so helpful to center my thoughts on Christ (I find if my heart and mind are completely captivated in Him, my actions tend to follow, which is nice!).

Well, I'm off to lunch at my favorite pizzeria with the family, so bye for now!

When all you can see is Him

I did a little church hopping this weekend, first going to Mass with a Catholic friend on Saturday, then tonight (Sunday) going to a little service near ASU called Praxis. I love worshipping God with new faces, different brothers and sister in Christ, and in various settings with people who emphasize different parts of the gospel.

My friend's Catholic church has a beautifully passionate carving of Jesus nailed to the cross hung at the front of the church, and as a Protestant, that's not something I see all too often. As such, the image has lingered with me this weekend, and as I worship God, I am reminded in a visual and striking way of His pouring-out for us.

Tonight at Praxis, the pastor spoke about pressing into Christ - when we stumble or fear, to look toward Him and to make Him are all. It's like when you're looking through your camera, and some crazy little brother comes and sticks his nose right in the lens. Let Jesus fill up your lens, so that He is all that is consuming and enrapturing you.

So that's one of my prayers for this semester, that I would learn to look toward Jesus in everything, to allow Him to overcome my heart in incredible and lasting ways.

Some Inspiring Quotes

Here are some quotes I've stumbled across recently:

""Who are you?" Asked Shasta. "Myself," said the Voice, very deep and low so that the earth shook: and again "Myself," loud and clear and gay: and then the third time "Myself," whispered so softly you could hardly hear it, and yet it seemed to come from all round you as if the leaves rustled with it." ~ C.S. Lewis, The Horse and His Boy

My spirit quivers when I ponder who my God is. One Being, three Persons. The mysteries of the faith are so profound, so necessary, and so beyond what I can fathom. Kudos to Lewis to incorporating such a deep element of Christian theology so masterfully in a children's book!

"The thing that needs to be censored is not the length of the kisses but the egotistic, selfish, and self-flaunting here; not the relative proportion of undraped breast but the flippant, vacuous-minded, and also egotistic heroine. Let us not worry about the jokes of dubious propriety; let us rather object to the whole story, with its complacent assertion of the virtues of materialist society." ~ Richard Weaver, Ideas Have Consequences

I love the attitude here. Our lifestyle should not be merely morally good, safely conforming to all the rules. No, no, we should be breathlessly pursuing Christ, doing everything we can to please Him more. That's convicting, but so challenging in a good way.

Once Upon a Dream

A few nights ago, I had a really interesting, and actually quite convicting, dream.

I was at a crowded party; the room was filled with my acquaintances and brimming with laughter and joy. Across the room, I saw my friend, who I'll call Danielle. She was alone, staring at me with a woebegone and helpless expression, holding out an empty paper cup.

"Can you get me a drink of water, Becca?" Her eyes burned into mine.

I hesitated. I didn't particularly enjoy Danielle's company, and I was anxious to join in the joking and witty conversation swirling around us. Danielle spoke slowly and thoughtfully, and could be rather clingy.

"I'm kinda busy, Dani," I said, edging toward the door, eyeing the water cooler across the room. "You can go get one."

"No, Becca," She pleaded softly, "You need to get it for me."

I shook my head. No, I had my own needs, my own friends, my own life to live.

Suddenly, a group of people surrounded her, handing her cups full of water, asking her questions, fulfilling her needs. She didn't even acknowledge them, but continued to stare at me with that haunting expression.

And so the dream ended.

It's a good reminder for me as I enter the next semester at school. Too often, I neglect the real-life Danielle, and those like her (those who don't know how to forge their own way in a group situation, and who need advocates to pull them into conversation, to be an ear, a support, a confidence-booster).

Too many people who don't function well in group social settings are just ignored, or worse yet, ridiculed, and I must not stand by and let them walk this life alone. God, let me be the friend to the friendless. Let me fill paper cups with Your love.